Bitter Sweets

(i started this post last thursday, and it feels a little stale, but here goes)

so i've done a little more reading, and some meandering...

what i appreciate about your communiques, catherine, is that they're so grounded in every day life, and they prodded me (gently) to share with you the things from my own life that touch on lust (or lick it).

i've been singing with billie holiday a lot, and i wanted to mention this. the two songs i've been singing most are "Me, Myself and I" and "Fooling Myself". The words to "Fooling Myself" are:

I tell myself I'm through with love
and i'll have nothing more to do with love
I stay away
but everyday
I'm just fooling myself

I tell my friends that I don't care
I shrug my shoulders at the whole affair
but they all know
it isn't so
I'm just fooling myself

And everyday I pass
and see myself in the looking glass
I tip my hat and say
how do you do you fool?
you're throwing your life away

I'm acting gay
I'm acting proud
and every time I see you in a crowd
I may pretend
but in the end
I'm just fooling myself.

I love singing with billie. and her singing has far more interesting stories to tell me about lust than most of the books i've peeked at lately. when i sing with her i always feel like i'm flirting with life. and this particular song... god knows i've spent enough years pretending i wasn't consumed with desire, convincing myself i had no need for it - denying desire as a sign of strength... that's so common, no? i catered an upscale fundraiser last night (good money, catering is) and all the women were immaculately dressed, but their jaws were locked tight the whole night. there was a man and a woman, models, who we dressed only in leaves - the 'live' decoration portraying adam and eve. they ate almost nothing all night, especially the man, supposedly out of fear of calories. or more likely, in fear of loosing control of their desire - because who knows what will happen then, right? what kind of monster might we become if we let ourselves follow our desire freely?

the theme of the whole event was healthy eating, and the poor sods, who paid at least a thousand dollars for their plate, were offered only a piece of banana or a strawberry covered in unsweetened chocolate for desert. it was horrible. the chocolate was so dense and bitter it destroyed any sweetness the fruit might have. i had to stop myself from laughing out loud each time i saw their lusty expressions at the sight of chocolate turn nasty and their saliva dry up with their first bite. at one point i took to warning them, but most of the victims were already salivating at the sight of chocolate and could not or would not stop themselves until it was too late. and yet the bitter bitter taste supposedly gave them the pleasure knowing they were "good" tonight because they ate "healthy", health being a sign of proximity to god among wealthy americans.

(a reminder to write about antonio damasio's definition of desire, and about recent readings about the marriage of capitalism and excess)

the essay i read in the "wicked pleasures" book about lust has a lot to say about how necessary lust is for life. it was written by william h. gass, who sticks pretty strictly to the concept of lust as carnal pleasure. our own definition of luxuria, at least the one we started off with, is a little more encompassing than physical lust, but that's an interesting point to consider: what are we referring to when we think of "lust"? (now writing in retrospect, i'm pretty clear about the fact that i'm not thinking of "lust" only as carnal desire.) anyways, gass is convinced that lust deep down is a virtue, and i agree with him most when i'm singing with billie holiday.

The aim of lust's enemies, claims gass, is to deny it its satisfactions, and in doing so to exacerbate, strengthen and multiply it. but isn't this just a variation of freud and the rhetoric of repressed desires? i think it's a lackluster interpretation of the sins, at least on its own...

so here are two other quotes that i found interesting:

"Of course when lust must go about in black clothes and seek other outlets for its energies, in power and privilege mostly, or ally itself with pain and pursue its infliction, or substitute shopping or golf for its goals, growing moist only at the mention of money, getting hard at the prospect of rape or war, then lust will be called "lust" and be regarded with loathing and fear, and lust will be said to be selfish and interested in its own satisfactions and sexual organs will be places where favors are sold and money is made, not where joy is experienced; then lust will have to seek permission for its satisfaction by obtaining a license to drive from the State, permission to mate from the Church, and approval from Family, Friends, and Credit Card Companies, but only to make babies and go into long-term debt."

"Lust is present in any desire that has a strong sensuous component because lust rises from form and color, and moves closer for odors to count, and then for taste and touch to fulfill it, for it's not orgasm lust lusts for, bu the juice of the orange squelching between the teeth, the touch of an inner thigh that transforms the palm, the smell of stew in a winter pot, snowflakes melting on glowing cheeks, wine rinsed meditatively in the mouth, the sound of an ah! after a lon in-drawn breath."

he's a verbose fellow, that mr. gass. and i've written quite enough too, so goodnight for now.