Tuesday, June 26, 2007
infidelity, continued
...I know this kind of sex exists? here is an interesting website: http://www2.cakenyc.com/. Cake is dedicated to the glorification of female sexuality and its many potential joys. (written 6/26 and never published)
Monday, June 25, 2007
the joys of infidelity
I admit I got lost for a while. All the books I checked out of the library on the topic of lust have sat on my desk collecting dust since May, and meanwhile my thoughts and energy meandered elsewhere, often to those places where I could earn enough money to pay rent. But two weeks ago I got a notice from the library that a book I had reserved was waiting for me: "Lust in Translation: the Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee" by Pamela Druckerman. The title itself was reason enough to bike to the library and pick it up, but like the other books, I let it sit on the shelf, awaiting the spark of inspiration that seemed to have disappeared from my dealings with this project. I got that spark in the form of a denial to renew from the library - someone else was waiting for the book, so it was either read it or allow my curiosity to go unquenched. A book about infidelity, a lustful sin so grave that its prohibition is among one of only ten commandments given by the Judeo-Christian god to his people, was too good to pass up.
Not to mention that infidelity, also known in my world as an "open relationship", has played a considerable part in my recent past, and I was curious to see what Pamela Druckerman's probings had to add to my personal knowledge of the matter...
The book was a great read, especially the sections about places whose sexual culture varies so drastically from those of the western societies I grew up in. Japan, for example, as it is unveiled in Druckerman's expose, is a country full of sexless marriages where most of the sexual and erotic encounters occur at specially designated clubs where men pay for intimate services. China has whole villages of "second wives," slash girlfriends slash prostitutes which seem to be thriving in direct relation with the improved Chinese economy. There is definitely a link between sexual culture and economic conditions. In Druckerman's estimation, the fact that South Africans continue to have multiple partners outside of their marriage despite the fact that about a quarter of the country is infected with HIV and that chances are pretty good that the next little fling will bring a death sentence on both the "cheater" (they don't really think of it as cheating, but I'm short on words) and his wife is not unrelated to the fact that life is hard and there is less to lose (i.e. a home, social status, etc.) Women sleep with men other than their husbands in South Africa too, sometimes for money, especially at the end of the month around pay day.
Russia seems to be the most scandal ridden and shameless country when it comes to infidelity, and the United States the most shameful and self-righteous. According to the statistics, the Americans engage in extramarital sex just as much as the French do, which really isn't much at all (about 3.8% of men and 3.1% of women in the US or around 2% of women in France), but they are much less likely to enjoy it, are more prone to to suffering from extended bouts of guilt and the destruction of their marriage, and far more likely to turn to god in their perceived need for redemption and forgiveness. Oh yes, and to marriage counselors too - adultery is serious business in the US, where savvy entrepreneurs make a killing helping couples overcome the "devastation" (described by one woman quoted in the book as akin to the sensation of watching the twin towers collapse on 9/11) of an affair.
The book left me with with quirky, smirk-inducing information on the hidden sexual cultures of all kinds of people from around the world (I don't think I'll look at Japanese tourists quite the same this summer), and also with a lot of questions. Questions which the author - an upper-middle class, highly educated married Caucasian woman living in Paris - seemed either to forget to ask or to just take for granted. For example, what does it mean to get married? Especially in societies in which women are increasingly capable of supporting themselves, and in which homosexuality is a significant element in the fabric of the culture? Sex as portrayed by the book seems to be necessarily tied to marriage, the sticking point being whether it was happening in or outside of the wedlock. So what about sex that doesn't aspire to marriage? What about sexual behavior that is not a means to a material or social end?
I know this kind of sex exists...
Not to mention that infidelity, also known in my world as an "open relationship", has played a considerable part in my recent past, and I was curious to see what Pamela Druckerman's probings had to add to my personal knowledge of the matter...
The book was a great read, especially the sections about places whose sexual culture varies so drastically from those of the western societies I grew up in. Japan, for example, as it is unveiled in Druckerman's expose, is a country full of sexless marriages where most of the sexual and erotic encounters occur at specially designated clubs where men pay for intimate services. China has whole villages of "second wives," slash girlfriends slash prostitutes which seem to be thriving in direct relation with the improved Chinese economy. There is definitely a link between sexual culture and economic conditions. In Druckerman's estimation, the fact that South Africans continue to have multiple partners outside of their marriage despite the fact that about a quarter of the country is infected with HIV and that chances are pretty good that the next little fling will bring a death sentence on both the "cheater" (they don't really think of it as cheating, but I'm short on words) and his wife is not unrelated to the fact that life is hard and there is less to lose (i.e. a home, social status, etc.) Women sleep with men other than their husbands in South Africa too, sometimes for money, especially at the end of the month around pay day.
Russia seems to be the most scandal ridden and shameless country when it comes to infidelity, and the United States the most shameful and self-righteous. According to the statistics, the Americans engage in extramarital sex just as much as the French do, which really isn't much at all (about 3.8% of men and 3.1% of women in the US or around 2% of women in France), but they are much less likely to enjoy it, are more prone to to suffering from extended bouts of guilt and the destruction of their marriage, and far more likely to turn to god in their perceived need for redemption and forgiveness. Oh yes, and to marriage counselors too - adultery is serious business in the US, where savvy entrepreneurs make a killing helping couples overcome the "devastation" (described by one woman quoted in the book as akin to the sensation of watching the twin towers collapse on 9/11) of an affair.
The book left me with with quirky, smirk-inducing information on the hidden sexual cultures of all kinds of people from around the world (I don't think I'll look at Japanese tourists quite the same this summer), and also with a lot of questions. Questions which the author - an upper-middle class, highly educated married Caucasian woman living in Paris - seemed either to forget to ask or to just take for granted. For example, what does it mean to get married? Especially in societies in which women are increasingly capable of supporting themselves, and in which homosexuality is a significant element in the fabric of the culture? Sex as portrayed by the book seems to be necessarily tied to marriage, the sticking point being whether it was happening in or outside of the wedlock. So what about sex that doesn't aspire to marriage? What about sexual behavior that is not a means to a material or social end?
I know this kind of sex exists...
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